I took a deep breath, buried my face in the pillow and screamed. What I thought would be a guttural roar came out as the pained cry of a wounded animal. It was years of anger coated in sadness and disappointment.
I had been ignoring it, suppressing it, storing it in my body until it felt convenient to release it. It had been waiting impatiently for me to acknowledge it. Sending signals of skin flare-ups and teeth grinding in my sleep.
What had paved the way for this release? Enabled me to finally provide space and time for this trapped energy? A Focusing session.
This Somatic Coaching technique draws your awareness inwards and can be used to ask your body 'What needs my attention right now?'.
During this particular session, I noticed a tickle in my throat, not a need to cough and clear it, but to shout.
I realised I hadn't shouted in long time. Not in anger. It had never really been something I did. I was known for being perpetually calm and placid - something which I prided myself on and others often complimented me for.
But the need was there, it felt insistent and urgent.
Years of moments where I hadn't express my outrage at injustice, unacceptable treatment and disappointment, now sat at the back of my throat. Unacknowledged pain.
Anger had always lived on my 'undesirable characteristics' list. Growing up in a volatile household meant that I was all too familiar with the results of uncontrolled outbursts. I had developed into the antithesis of this, choosing instead to use brooding silence to express my discontent, expecting others to guess what was wrong and psychically know what needed to change.
Undesirable characteristics.
Those elements of us that we hide in shame, for fear of embarrassment and judgement. Things we suppress under the illusion that it makes us more appealing when, actually, it just isolates us.
Our Shadow side.
The parts of us that reside here are trying to send us a message. They are indicating an unfulfilled need.
By exploring what is trying to be communicated we can set about forming an authentic, tender relationship with our self. Recognising that the human experience is one of contrast - light and shade.
The Focusing session reminded me that anger and aggression aren't the same thing. My anger was a need to release pain and fear. The need was like a crying child, one that required compassion not an abrupt 'shush'. There was an opportunity to integrate this information, not ignore it.
And so, I allowed myself to scream, cry and feel better.
I listened to my body.
The relationship with our body and the wisdom it holds is one which, like any we wish to nurture, needs attention, care and regular communication.
What is yours trying to tell you?
Wishing Only Love.
https://www.marissamccallam.com/work-with-me
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